Friday, April 26, 2013

Flashback Friday: Final


I originally posted this, on an old blog, on April 12, 2009

As of Friday, my divorce was final. Someone asked me how I'm feeling now. This is how I feel...
Shocked. I'm in a little bit of shock about the fact that it's now officially over. That we're officially 100% over. I won't be going back. He won't be coming back. And I'm not completely used to that feeling yet. I've been getting used to it ever since it was decided, because I knew that if that was the end, it would truly be the end. But still, in the past, it's never been that way. Our longest time apart was 5 months. We're almost at 8 months now. Even though I know it's over, I'm just a little surprised by it.
Relieved. I'm relieved that the whole process is behind me. I don't have anything left to sign. I don't have any more appointments to be at. Nothing left to worry about.
Dreading. I'm dreading some of the things that will come for us eventually. While the marriage is over. The divorce process. Everything relating to Kaylyn is still something that's on the table. And will be for 16 more years. Everything is currently agreed upon. There aren't any issues. But that doesn't mean there won't be any in the future. When he's working. When his schedule changes. When Kaylyn can make decisions on her own. Things will have to change eventually. And I dread that.
Scared. I'm scared because I've just officially added another thing to my list. The list of things that most women my age haven't had to deal with. My life list. It makes me wonder what's next? Can it only get better from here? Or do I have some lower lows? I know life in general is a roller coaster. But I mean in the near future. The next several years. I wonder what's going to happen, and I'm scared of what could happen next. And what if I never feel the way I felt about him, about anyone else?
Sad. Because I really do miss what we had. The good stuff of course. The way I felt about him. I'm sad that I don't have that anymore.
Disappointed. Disappointed in myself. For letting myself be convinced that things were going to work. That I made a poor decision. That I wasn't strong enough to stay away from him when we were broken up. I'm also disappointed in him. He really let me down. He handled things so poorly.
Strong. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Everything that's happened with Lucas has made me a stronger mother. A better mother. Everythig with Brian has made me a stronger woman. It's made me realize that I don't need him, or any man. That doesn't mean I don't get lonely, but that's okay. It's not the end of the world. I'm fine on my own. So if I never meet anyone worth falling in love with, I'll be okay. And I know that now.
Proud. I've handled this all quite well, I think. I'm proud of myself for that. Things could have been a lot worse. A lot harder. I could have been a mess. I could have gone into a depression. I could have lacked that strength. But I'm proud of myself for having so much of it.

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